Archive for category Just a funny for today

This is Canada ‘s Top Ten List of America ‘s Stupidity.

 

# 10 Only in America … could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 per plate Obama campaign fund-raising event.

# 09 Only in America… could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black, 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans – 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanic

# 08 Only in America… could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

# 07 Only in America… can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

# 06 Only in America… would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just ‘magically’ become American citizens. (probably should be number one)

# 05 Only in America … could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be called EXTREMISTS

# 04 Only in America … could you need to present a driver’s license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

# 03 Only in America … could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).

# 02 Only in America… could you collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year – for total spending of $7 Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enough money.

# 01 Only in America…. could the rich people – who pay 86% of all income taxes – be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.

 

Bonus: ” Only in America do you have to pass a drug test to get a pay check, yet any crack head can get their welfare check no questions asked.”   .

 

Fayne

Integrity in Leadership

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Here’s your laugh for the day! 9-27-15

 

 

The day finally arrived.  ForrestGump dies and goes to Heaven.

 He is at the Pearly Gates.  However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

The gatekeeper said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’  Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.’

The gatekeeper continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:

What two days of the week begin, with the letter T?

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:

 
   What is God’s first name?

 

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.’

 

 

 

 

Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’?   Shucks,

 

That would be  Today and Tomorrow.’

 

The gatekeeper’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?’

 

‘How many seconds in a year?’

 

Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, ‘but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be

twelve.’

Astounded, the gatekeeper said, ‘Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?

 

Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve:

 

 

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…

 

‘Hold it, interrupts the gatekeeper. ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind… but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

 

Can you tell me God’s first name’?

 

‘Sure,’ Forrest replied, it’s Andy. 

 

Andy?

 

exclaimed the exasperated and frustrated gatekeeper. Ok, I  can understand how you came up with the answers to my earlier questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first

name of God?

 

You are going to love this …….

 

Shucks-t​hat was the easiest one of all,’ Forrest replied. I learnt it from the song,

 

 

 

     ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

     ANDY  TALKS WITH ME,

     ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’

 

The gate keeper opened the Pearly Gates, and said: “Run, Forrest, run”.

 

Lord, Give me a sense of humor,

 

Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,

 

To get some humor out of life.

 

And to pass it on.

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hope you had a good laugh

Fayne

Integrity in Leadership

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Heart surgeon

Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me crazy, Tyrone.”   One day Tyrone’s mama came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mama honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career. The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit , relocating to Cleveland .   25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.   When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.   The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic,who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.   If you thought Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Obama. 

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Fayne

Integrity in Leadership

 

 

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Bill and Satan

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other  in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.  Soon the church was empty except BILL CLINTON who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan  walked up to Bill and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’ The  Clinton replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’ ‘Aren’t  you afraid of me?’ Satan asked. ‘Nope,  sure ain’t.’ said the calm as a clam Clinton   . ‘Don’t  you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan. ‘Don’t  doubt it for a minute,’ returned Bill, in an even tone. Did you  know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all  eternity?’ persisted Satan. ‘Yep,’  was the calm reply.

‘And you  are still not afraid?’ asked Satan. ‘Nope,’  said Bill. More than  a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’  Bill Clinton calmly replied..……

 

 

 

 

 

‘Been married to your sister for over 30 years   .

 

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Fayne

Integrity in Leadership

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Gotta love those grand-kids ..

I  was eating breakfast with my  10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,   “What day is tomorrow?”  Without skipping a beat she said, “It’s Presidents Day!”  .. She’s smart, so I asked her “What does Presidents Day mean?”  ..

 

 

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.  She replied, “Presidents Day is when the President steps out of  the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull Shit.”

 

 

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

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How true!

Fayne

Integrity in Leadership

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A Day at the Church

As the pastor called for a quiet moment of reflection;

 

We heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to us saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that we just had to share it with you:

 

” Dear Lord: The last year has been very tough. You have taken my favorite actor – James Garner; my favorite actress – Lauren Bacall; my favorite Comedian – Robin Williams, and finally, my favorite author -Tom Clancy.

 

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are – Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. . . . . .Amen

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Fayne

Integrity in Leadership

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Funny

Obama Administration to regulate… cow flatulence

Monday, Mar 31, 2014 at 11:32 AM MDT

Just when you thought you had seen it all, the White House has now vowed to regulate cow flatulence as part of its climate agenda. According to the Daily Caller, as part of its plan to reduce U.S. greenhouse gas emissions, the Obama Administration is targeting the dairy industry to reduce methane emissions in their operations. Forget about the fact that methane emissions are at all time lows, we need to spend time and resources targeting gassy cows.

“So out of all the things in the country we have to fix, all the problems that are facing us… Where does – and I’m just asking you this off the top of your head – where does cow flatulence rank,” Glenn asked on radio this morning.

“Right at the top,” Pat joked. “Number one.”

In a press release entitled “FACT SHEET: Climate Action Plan – Strategy to Cut Methane Emissions,” the White House laid out its “all-of-the-above approach to develop homegrown energy and steady, responsible steps to cut carbon pollution” as to ensure “a cleaner, more stable environment for future generations.”

One of the “key steps” formulated by the Obama Administration involves working in partnership with the dairy industry, the USDA, EPA and DOE to release a “Biogas Roadmap” outlining “voluntary strategies to accelerate adoption of methane digesters and other cost-effective technologies to reduce U.S. dairy sector greenhouse gas emissions by 25 percent by 2020.”

When you consider food prices are already up a staggering 19% in 2014, the consequences of the President’s climate agenda could truly be dire.

“Milk and meat are up 19%. This is before the regulation of the cow farts,” Glenn concluded. “So we have to regulate the cow farts, which means you will not have dairy – because this is dairy cows. Your dairy – your milk, your cheese – will go through the roof. Your meat will go through the roof. It’s already up 19%. I will give you this promise: Your dairy products and your meat products will necessarily skyrocket. Congratulations.”

 

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Comment:  Wonder if this includes no-named bloggers?  What would we call those that measure the output?  Had a hard time deciding which category to put this in, Voice of the Right or Just a Funny.

 

Fayne

Integrity in Leadership

 

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Funny

second rule for food only not

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Larry the Cable Guy

Truth in Humor

Direct Quote from “Larry, the Cable Guy”

“Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New     Orleans Saints,  I have noticed a large number of people     implying, with bad jokes,  that Cajuns aren’t smart. I would like to     state for the record that I  disagree with that assessment. Anybody     that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill     it with Democrats who can’t swim is a genius.”

Everyone concentrates on the     problems we’re having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane     recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida.  Not me – I     concentrate on solutions for the problems – it’s a win-win situation.
* Dig a
 moat the length of the Mexican     border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the     levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican     border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow     epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost     three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of     Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are     unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.     Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a     Constitution for Iraq ….
why don’t we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it has worked for over 200 years,
and we’re not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted     in a courthouse is this –  you cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not     Steal’
‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and
‘Thou Shall Not Lie’  in a building full of lawyers, judges and     politicians,  it creates a hostile work environment.

Also, think about this…
If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending someon — YOU ARE     PART OF THE PROBLEM!

GET ER DONE!

Never buy a Pit-bull from a one armed man!

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There is a Lot of Truth here, Think about it.

                                                                                                           

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old rancher whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.

The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle”.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a ‘post turtle’ was.

The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of persons put him up there to begin with.”

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